How to Forgive and Move On in a Relationship

How to forgive and move on in a relationship is often misunderstood. Forgiveness does not mean you pretend nothing happened. It does not mean you ignore your pain, rebuild trust before it is safe, or continue placing yourself in harm’s way.

Forgiveness is not denial. It is not the same as reconciliation. And it is not a shortcut around grief, anger, boundaries, or repair.

Instead, forgiveness is a process of honestly naming what happened, bringing your pain into the light, and releasing the other person into God’s hands—without allowing the harm to keep defining your life.

When you forgive someone, you release your right to get even. You let go of the desire to make the other person hurt the way you did. You stop wishing them harm.

Forgiveness often happens inside of you. It is an attitude of the heart that restores you, but it may never restore the broken relationship. That part also requires repentance, repair, and changed behavior from the other person.

True forgiveness requires you to face what happened honestly, not gloss over the facts.

I learned this lesson the hard way. As a young adult, I didn’t know how to hold others responsible for their behavior. I could usually understand why someone was misbehaving, even when it hurt me. So I told myself things like, She’s lonely, I need to respond to him with kindness, or She’s going through a lot, so I can’t expect much from her right now.

For the most part, I was praised for my kindness. “You’re such a forgiving person,” people would say.

The problem is that I let myself get walked on. I ignored harmful behavior in the name of being “nice.”

That wasn’t forgiveness. That was self-abandonment.

And this is where many of us get confused. Sometimes what we call forgiveness is actually fear of conflict. Sometimes what we call grace is really self-abandonment. Sometimes what looks like kindness on the outside is actually a deep discomfort with telling the truth about how much something hurt.

Do you tend to over-forgive, over-function, or lose yourself in painful relationships? Take the free Family Roles Quiz to discover the role you fall into when love, guilt, and boundaries get tangled.

When Forgiveness Becomes Self-Abandonment

Sometimes what we call forgiveness is actually an attempt to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or stay connected at the expense of our own honesty and safety.

You might be over-forgiving if:

• - you rush to understand why they hurt you before naming your own hurt
• - you feel guilty for needing space
• - you call it forgiveness when you are actually avoiding conflict
• - you keep giving access to someone who has not rebuilt trust
• - you believe being loving means having no boundaries
• - you feel responsible for keeping the relationship intact by yourself

If any of those sound familiar, be gentle with yourself. Many of us learned to confuse forgiveness with minimizing, excusing, or staying available to someone who keeps causing harm. But true forgiveness isn't pretending the hurt didn’t happen. It isn't denying your need for safety, boundaries, or repair.

True forgiveness is about releasing any hatred and resentment in your heart toward someone who has hurt you.

Forgiveness is not the same thing as mending a broken relationship: that’s called reconciliation, and reconciliation requires two people, not just you.

Here are three steps to start the process.

3 Steps to Forgive and Move On in a Relationship

Step 1. Before you consider forgiving someone else, ensure that you are safe and far removed from the hurtful behavior

‍Think about it this way, when someone has hurt you repeatedly and shows no effort to change, you have two choices:

1. a. Continue to put yourself in harm’s way and grow increasingly resentful
2. b. Distance yourself from the other person and forgive.

Which option is better? Obviously, the latter. Once you’ve said “no” to being hurt, you can then use the space you’ve created to say “yes” to an attitude of forgiveness.

‍Step 2. Care for your own wounds

‍In many cases, forgiveness is much more about what goes on inside of you than it is about the other person. Remember, it’s about acknowledging and releasing anger, resentment, hostility, and pain. However, don’t rush the “releasing” part. First, take the time to work through and heal the hurting parts of you. For example:

• -‍ Notice the emotions you’re feeling. What surfaces when you think of the other person?‍
• - Extend compassion to yourself. Can you understand your negative emotions and why they’re there? Emotions pass. But, they do need to be acknowledged as valid. Something bad happened to you.‍
• - Rebuild trust with yourself. What assurances do the hurting parts of you need that you’ll protect yourself going forward? For example, you might notice your anger soften a bit as you promise yourself you’ll limit exposure to the person who has hurt you.‍
• - Talk to someone you trust. Check in with a family member, friend, or counselor who can help you process what happened. But, be careful of people who suggest that you rush the path to forgiveness. It takes time and effort to heal. It’s not helpful to put a band-aid on a gaping wound.

Step 3. As you tend to your own heartache, begin to release the resentment, anger and pain.

‍Releasing the negative emotions inside you is critical to the process. Look at the issue from these perspectives:‍

• ‍- Ask God to handle the justice. This doesn't mean justice isn't important; it just means you're not going to pursue it anymore because pursuing it isn't to YOUR benefit. At this point, you don’t deny what happened, you simply leave your desire for justice in God’s hands to work out. You might pray, “That person hurt me. But, I trust you to work out the details of righting the wrong your way, even as I take measures to protect myself.”‍
• - Repeat as often as needed. When someone hurts you deeply without showing any remorse, then forgiveness is rarely a one-time event. Forgiveness may be something that you practice on a daily basis for a while. So, don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t happen all at once. It's a process.‍
• - Imagine the challenging person as his or her best self. In some cases, especially if you have to be in ongoing relationship with this person, it can be helpful to release the other person to God. When you think of the person you're forgiving, you might imagine that individual in the way that God meant for them to be. Then, pray that they grow in that direction. This does not mean you change the boundaries you have put in place. It can, however, help you shift away from negative emotions you are carrying.

The ability to forgive often goes hand-in-hand with healthy boundaries. For instance:

• - You can forgive someone and maintain healthy distance‍
• - You can forgive someone and distrust them.
• - You can forgive someone and let consequences stand.

You can forgive and still set healthy boundaries.

When you forgive and move on from someone who has hurt you, remember that you are not being mean. Nor are you trying to punish anyone. Instead, you are saying “no” to the harm, so that you can say “yes” to the health and peace you need in your own life. You may never have a relationship with that person again. But, you’ll be able to replace any toxic hatred and resentment with the healing balm of joy and peace. Other people may never change, but you will be free.

If you’ve been taught that forgiveness means ignoring your pain, minimizing what happened, or keeping the peace at the expense of your own soul, Dr. Alison's best-selling book The Best of You will help you rebuild clarity, confidence, and wise boundaries from the inside out. Start reading The Best of You now.